Chasing vapours

if time has taught me anything,
i suppose it should be that i cannot blame you
how does one light a candle to nonchalance?
i'm not able to clearly express on most days
i'm on shaky earth. that i will say is you.
i was immovable, just yesterday.
just after midnight,
a far off lighthouse guided no ships
and in the still of an almost desolate black sand beach
no guarantees in place
just a 'connection' was made
that could easily be undone.
we are strangers now
and while you let everyone go,
early alzheimers
i didn't know my fate
and now, when i started feeling again,
i've come undone.
no one to thatch the roof,
but me.
i cannot make you uncomplicated,
to say the least
and yet, i cannot hate

there is something to be said
about him
he, whose hands tremble
he, who noticed you in a room without walls
her tears and mascara make a muck of
good sheets
sheets worn weary of the thoughts of many
laying awake past their time
it is her who adheres to things not said out loud
it is her who sighs when she ought moan
and yet, he chooseth her
it is by first light that he outlines her lips
and she deflects all who may have come before
she hates that he need tremble
before or after.

to waltz or not to waltz

I trod too long a path once walked..
Yes, I have been the fool before
let me be the second to say it
And I have too,
been the jester
they seem to like the latter
but they fail to admit relishing the first
Yes, I shall admit my failing
and then ever so quick
the fall from grace
While you may watch my step
I tell you I watched yesterday instead
that I did not look at yonder
In the fading light
I voiced a concern
But nightfall came before
the dance could be completed
and the music
it beckons me ..
yet..
so I see him in the distance
his hand offered out
to dance the incomplete waltz
of incorrigible utopia

the flay

And as the day flays
the rest must stay intact
for we must live another day
to gain tomorrows reaping
wear the blinds to a party
of your choosing
and walk backwards into the storm
bring your umbrella to a close
as we bring your memory
my nail polish crackles
and the silver tarnishes
and i walk the path home

a glass cuts into her
while she hovers around yesterday
he lights her memory
while she brings ash to her forehead
thinking the day before
but the smoke lingers
and a scent sets the air alight
reigniting episodes
flicking past and future
all in a blink

and blood and water align
for one night only
for tomorrow to endure

xxx

alone tonight

i hear these voices
the songs
the melody
resonating lyrics
throb my petite heart tonight
they hold meaning
and i allow myself to be naked
and alone
and cry in a quiet corner

in a parallel universe
you're doing so much better than i
cause you're not alone tonight
it's just me
you have plans

and i
i should have learned faster
maybe quicker

some days i think i should
be put down
but these damn songs
those damn lyrics
and all those concerts i never went to
all these tears you will never see
never feel
cause i'm human
to distance myself from you
like you, from me

maybe it was a lack of mutuality
we should have signed an agreement
for every tear you drew from my well
but i had no terms to offer,
just me,
and i seem to come back empty
three times over now.

so i turn my pillow
cause they keep going damp
but this song
it does not bring me to close my eyes and sleep
what it does
is
it brings me to close a door
and close my eyes and sleep
three times over.

broken cup

i fill the cup
i let it break
i fill it up once more
and between the pieces
the pieces of glass
piece together a story, intricate
as time
wrath and love
envy and desire
bleak cup
and now
the piecing 

ambered flaws

pray me,
i'm flawed
and now amber-ed
hidden in a thicket
pray me,
there shan't be cause
cause
cause to unbed
and yet you break me
and ask to undo, unlearn
and slowly,
i relinquish me
to form the mold
pray me,
there's need for more
and a moss grows
thick
pray me,
am shades of green
am shades of seething
and truly, my offering
is none more
than simple throbs
no money,
no facade,
simple throbs
pray me,
she misses a beat
she doesn't know
it's never enough
pray me,
she bleeds
cause
cause i'm flawed

implosion

if all your ducks are in a row
you will find the fragments
they tell me
it imploded into a million pieces
and none could find them all
so should we try to piece it
once, twice more
they will have said,
do not bother boy
the pieces are strewn
and none could find them all

In another life..

xoxo,

Privy me

the straight & narrow

i heard a loud 'thud'
When optimism died
since the day
it's been the straight
and narrow
there's just one route
i don't ask questions
and neither should you, me
when they ask
what has come to pass
fury stews
i slip through the cracks
those that existed from
the word - go
fairy-tale
the December princess
is now bleeding.
there is a hopeless shaped
hole in the ground now
they fill it up
but you see the faint outlines
not enough benzine possibly.
a vial of tempestuousness
is mixed into our morning expresso
patience stirs the pot.
my order is up,
"the straight and narrow, please"
why yes,
polity is still expected

treacherous you, defiant me

you scar me deep
you leave me cold
and you repeat yourself over again
time.
call me by any name
give it a few months
your infatuation will now abbreviate it
when you're not looking.
tomorrow a raft
takes sail
slow
and I am on it.
words cannot suffice
treacherous waft.
Figments undo every yesterday
such loss
when the fire burns out
not a shred
but careless specter.
And you repeat yourself?
now three times over?
time.

child, take heed

child,
i would like to dole advice
before a handful of soil
covers me whole
do not trust a man with wafer-thin lips
they are sealed forever
when you are offered everything
do not take it all
you must work for them
or you will end up with a handful
of
nothingness
child,
everything that crashes
does not always burn
do not trust a man who purses his lips
he is fighting off a rage
do not want for what
was never thine
when you have it, it will flee
before a tune is played out
child,
i cannot teach you everything
life will be your shepherd
but i will be your lighthouse
guiding you home
fruit will be in bounty
i hope you elect
the very brightest
but moreover the strongest
child,
love is a friend and fiend
make of it the best you may
lyrics and poetry will only take
you thus far
the rest of the way you must tread
and most of those days,
alone.
child,
be wary

child,
you must carry your cross
and keep faith when all about you
have lost theirs
there is a tree rooted
not far from here
that does not come undone
bury your treasures
beneath its glorious earth
it will defy the laws of
math, science and life

Musings from the October widow

the October widow bemoans
were you not told
why must you stand unarmed
is it me who does not understand you
or you who neglects to infer with me
i believe its all perception
but then again i believed karma too
i was told everything has a grey allotment
my morals are pristine white
my past is pseudo-black
and my thoughts alone
silver-area'd
mapped in my brain
and i offer you now
a sliver
my eyes are a suspect brown forthwith
forgive me my mind lover
yesterday makes me question
today i wished for cows hide
but before i can grow it on
you chide
i see you now
appearance
toned and swelled
both your brains at once
and perhaps
its me
i prep you for the next
i see you off
while i cocoon on

post midnight

a faint memory patches through
post midnight
almost every second night

and the back of my neck
feels a raspy breath
filled with urgency

my fingers try to hold onto it
when i came to
i remind myself
there's nothing to hold onto

though the memory is faint
it exists
tearing down my imagination,
my wonder-filled tomorrow

should you listen
and follow through
you may get to hold onto more
than just a memory

but post midnight
your body is weak
your mind is weaker

i need to let the pain
change hands
if for a brief moment
say that rasp is mine
and your body is immersed
in a cold sweat

you look perplexed
somehow bored
no.
angry.

and with everything in you
say
you understand
once

post midnight
every other night
i go back and forth
memory to
existence

all out

i'm all out
you are taking my sanity

you've left me shriveled
and somehow swollen
and the constant drone
a light blinks
drowning in an empty tub
with a cesspool of memories
and a whiskey bottle
filled with unspoken truths
am in a corner
these remain my possessions
i'm all out
you should remain a waft
that I should have never let in
but my windows stay open
but truly
i say i'm all out

heart: keep the phone off its hook
but my heart has too much heart
as it turns out

rewind please

i want to go back to a different time
where we are different
when things were perhaps
simple
let me rephrase
simpler
i wish to be back to a different timezone
it just felt different maybe
time complicates us
winds our lives
negates us..

do u remember a quiet alley
of parked cars
just you and me
and pictures of the past
i want to go back
then press pause
and play out everything differently
or better still
be lost in time
no one grows old

i'm wrapped up in the new you now
everyday we struggle
to see a tomorrow
whatever happened to our childish dreams
the lack of intricate lace on our hearts
to impassioned simplicity
how did i get this delicate?

when you've had enough
it's time to leave
the disco ball may still turn
but the light will never shine on you
baby, it's time to leave.
i share my body
my intimate past
and your hands run over my scars
my bumps
my lackluster stretchmarks.
but you've held another
touched still another
and groped the other
and now it's me
i dull in comparison
on other days you've had your fill
and you close your eyes
saying tomorrow gets better love
but the day after
oh, the days after
we must be vary
and me, am weary
today i stand by nothing
but a lighthouse.
am going in
the ships don't need me tonight
and i don't need them
certainly.

neat lines

i cannot be sure anymore
of where it began and where it may have ended
or not
somehow the words can never tally up
stand in a neat line and have a full stop
you have to say something
you have to end it
but you will not be able to end my sentences
probably that is why
everything stands in disarray
but when was it ever compartmentalized?
when did we draw lines and suggest whose shelf was whose
and what we stacked where
you are indeed of a strange breed
and i do not say this about your parentage
pardon me
come and dream my lovely
how come you stand under the arc again?
where will you be when the earth will move unwittingly
i have no ideas
no passions
and no past glories to live on
and on some days no possessions to live off
no morals to go by
everything is marked in the sand
the river washes dreams away
but you know this
yet you dream
and share your everyday hallucinations
i cannot heal you
my hands are coarse
so lets breathe
lets make amends

but walk in different directions
we are not of the same breed.
not you. not me.

baby, i'm a dreamer..

“There are dreamers, and there are realists in this world. You’d think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists but more often than not, the opposite is true.You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun.

And the realists? Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.” 

- MODERN FAMILY

idealism is beautiful, its art

  its emo and theatre and romance

  all at the same time and pace

  it gives one life and movement

  and makes u do crazy thingsIt makes you brave and bareall at the same timei think we have confused illusions with idealismwhen have I felt, trulyLet aside my head and said am actually going to feel?

There's a childlike notion




 





The world has conditioned us
Us getting up and going to work each day cause we have to survive

, 

which we all do everyone is a mix of both

 

 
- life makes us choose paths

So the idealist in me..is going to see France and Italy this yearthe realist is planning to save and stay in hostelsI love the sheer romance of it all. 

but my heart wants to live in Europe (she's heard too many stories, read too many books and watches movies way past her bed time)I want to read - i want to travel - and most days? I want to live




                    I love that I can choose to get off the ground.