~ staying afloat, a day at a time ~

Monday, December 12, 2011

chug chug, she pulled away

as the train chugs in
for the very last time
we think of the possibilities
the journey that lay ahead
the route that brought me here
everything seems bitter
everything seemingly sweet

and the sky
it brews up shades of orange
and red and purple
and blue
just for me
just for you

i hear the whistle blow
i hear a man bellow
"where are you leaving to?"

the road is open
the horizon is fogged up
romantic almost

you see what you want to believe
you see the world come together
life is infused into the light

and as the train chugs in
before i get on. i want to say.
you will not be forgotten.
you are beautiful. you are courageous.
there is a reason i hold you dear
there is a reason i believe in you.

chug chug
catch my train
don't smoke the dream

no adieus.
just a salud!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011

truth, please..

I'm not fooling myself.. i know what has to happen.. i feel old though and tired. so tired.
feel like there isn't any hope left. like the world has buckled and given up on me. i realize its a reflection of myself and yet, it seems like the day will never befall us again. 

everything is hazy. i'm not delusional. i know what is happening or rather what's not. the future seemed like a mythological book being read to the young. oh, the young, so full of zest and ideas and building up dreams .. so naive. 

i had ideas once too .. i saw the church. i saw the rosa clara dress. lace.
time is so effortless. so i broke the clock. i'm growing too old before my time. my ideas have outrun me. my dreams are far behind. hope is nasty.

bring me that kindergarten smile. my bonny lies over the ocean. my bonny lies over the sea. you know what i miss most. i miss the truth. when did you stop telling me the whole truth. i thought we were doing that all along, now it seems like i was running the marathon alone and no one's passing me the baton.

Where is the truth?
Where was it, rather?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

hazelnuts & chocolate

how i wish
you could have said
only the things you meant
and mean only the things
you did not say..
how i wish you just didn't stay

how i wish we could get on
like hazelnuts and chocolate
and i could melt into you each night

how i wish i was wrong about you
wrong in trusting you
wrong in holding you upon pedestal
on pedestal

i was praying a few nights ago
on my knees
and then on my hands
my body felt wasted
and i was drudging for a well

i was asking that we could be together
and i wouldn't have to leave
no, you wouldn't have to leave

no one gets what's happening
no one gets into my head

"i'm so sorry" they whisper
in the corridors
how i wish i was intuitive
i wish i was not fooled
how i wish i had not drooled

how i wish i did not ink your name
and then make you turn
how i wish i was not nude
and people did not see me through

how i wish we'd just have got on
like hazelnuts and chocolate
this entire lifetime

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

He's so not perfect..

Who would have thought Marley had some of the answers?

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” 
- Bob Marley

Sunday, November 6, 2011

What I've decided..

I've made a step towards hope ..

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things lawful for itself, and all things possible.
Thomas Kempis

Its strange how in one quick sweep when you least expect it, a truth will emerge that will change your life's direction. and who you must detach for they no longer are a limb.. eventually you walk away. often times, things come at you out of the blue. someone you trust will shatter it. 

But we will pick up.. We will move on.. 
I trust.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

No Modern-day Juliet

I grew up thinking that only lovers’ ruled the world,
For they could empower their people senseless,
With their cocaine – Love.
But reality keeps me wide- eyed,
Where love turns to hate
And nice people finish last.
Why did the rain wet all our dreams?

You make love like a wild animal
And then LEAVE
Me naked and numb in the cold.
For her love – a rare disease
Emotions engulf us
And I crumble to the crowd
That’s the last I play with fire, mama.
English lit and Shakespeare lied.

And now I’m not so sure where I belong.
Home seems to be a noasis.
Open the doors: I wanna come back!
For I walk the tight rope home,
And I know that looking down will kill me,
Oh survival-: a distant dream.

Oh sweet sweet nectar, I’ve been lusting all my life.
Now her truth will calm my soul
It’s my anesthetic
But reality keeps me wide- eyed,
Where love turns to hate
And nice people finish last.
Why did the rain wet all our dreams?

Friday, September 16, 2011

Dear Baby Israella,

Wrote this for a childhood friend's baby.. 

Dear Baby Israella,
You are a lucky lucky girl.

The world is a beautiful place and you have been born to the most wonderful of parents one can hope for and I know because I have been friends with your mother for over a decade before your beautiful self joined us. Although I do not know your daddy as well am sure he’s the best as well cause your mother would only choose the best.

Before you came along your parents had never known a happiness so profound and a love so deep. When I saw your little face I could not believe how fast we had all grown up and now having children of our own. I thought you were the cutest little thing I had laid eyes on.

Though I said that the world is a beautiful place it also has a dark side that shows sometimes. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and sometimes there is unhappiness and life gets very complicated. As you grow up there will be many times when you are forced to choose.

Choose whether to do the right or wrong thing.

Choose between objects, friends, people, jobs and the like.

I hope for your sake that you make the right decisions and open your heart and mind to everything that your parents taught you. Every time you feel sad or weak or like no one is on your side and no one can understand you, you should know that your mom and dad are there and they will be no matter what you do or say.

Although it may be unbelievable at times, your parents have been through what you are going through or what you will go through at one time or another. 

Israella, you should know that you are a miracle and everyday your parents will love you and treat you like one.

If I can give any advice, it is love yourself and stay happy.

You are a princess,
Your mommy’s friend.. :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011


For every rose, a number of thorns
For every dream, an unfortunate awakening
Why can’t I sleep forever?
Mama, why do you want me awake?
Let me be, please, just till tomorrow.
For every love,  an unseen deceit.

Water for a dying vixen,
How do you right your wrongs
Towards the end?
Everything in my being shivers.
O come my time… … tick, tick on
You don’t see me for me.

Arise and recognize you
You owe it to yourself
Eros – thantos, fight over me.
Come out the victor,
And release my soul
Can’t face what I’ve done

Too late to let people in
For everything that crashes…burns
Flames thrust me
Farewell unfulfilling lustful ways
Mourn not me but life.
Let me just be … just till tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

And then one day..

And then one day
came before me
And took my standing whilst i
my legs give way

And then one day i
the butterflies had yielded
they felt laden by the weight
of my dreams
Kip i could not stoop and build’em
not again
There were only if’s and never

And then one day
HE ceased to love and
to care

HE went out looking anew
came back, not to me
i left all vows at
the altar

And then one day
the bud in me withered before
i dared to bloom
eased and wilted

And then one day
the shades of purple altogether

And then one day
i CompromisED
And then one day
i finally roused

And found me


an open book’, I’m not sure
But you say so!
Our tears can fill an ocean
And humour conceals our pain
Leo’s would know.

But why put up the pretence?
We fool all: yes.
But alas, to hurt ourselves
And we search for love
In all the wrong places

And ours is strong,
Fierce, but strong.
Yet, we pretend,
Love should announce itself,
For we stumble on our pride and ego.

Love nor friendship served on a platter
Yet thought of as
‘the silver – spooned’ ones’.
We want to break the ice.
But few can truly penetrate our shell.

Tomorrow we will awake
And flow through our normal routine:
We set out to do good
While the tables turn on us.
Where is karma?, I ask.

Don’t get me wrong
We still believe in sunshine
And that good will come our way
And we await that day
Quiet patience – loud silences.

Kings of our concrete jungle
Born to lead.
In the limelight, we shine bright
Blessed with talents we have to win.

We say it as we see it,
Impulsive we may be.
Sensitivity gets the most of us
Hence we wish to change the world
With our ‘Fool’s Paradise’ plans.

We will not change for you
For we believe in a little consistency
We seek warmth and truth
And believe in what’s right.
We want to change our destiny.

Don’t get us wrong,
Fall not for our facades!
Tough and lean on the exterior
And shrewd our minds,
Yet our tears can an ocean fill.

Monday, August 29, 2011

How many days do you feel like you're alone? 
and no one could possibly understand you? 

Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood
          – Ralph Waldo Emerson

everything is mangled.. my head is swerving
my world is pulled apart
with unheard promises un-kept
with his heart unkempt
no words are exchanged
and a life does not come to be
because he is not a man
he is a child

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

if iffity if..

"If wishes were horses,
baby, we'd ride into the sunset."

If only.

One of my fav poems of all time is Rudyard Kipling, but do not mistake the quote above to flow lucidly from Kipling's pen. 'If' was always there in the dark and lamentable phases in my life, to rethink what's going oh, so wrong.. I kept telling myself, if you can get through this..

"... which is more.. you'll be a (wo)Man, my son (can't completely rebuff the poet)."


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Closing in on nine..

Thought I'd put together a few of my bf's favourite things..
Drawing close to the nine's.. Can't believe it, on most days ;)

Knowing he'll love it already.. ;)


Romance and peonies...

Some days I think I'm still a kid, trapped in some imaginary sitcom, my father always warned me about what 'FRIENDS' would do to me. He insisted I watch the news instead. I can never forget the way he'd fake-laugh when the audience on set (read laughter machine) would.

I tend to romanticize everything and figment-ize the future; what I could change, what could easily dispose of my current situation and start anew, be brand new. Be the me who is someone... else. That must sound absolutely delusional. When I wake up to another Sunday, I really want to wake up somewhere else, where everyday's a sight to take in, where having waffles soaked in nutella is not a sin and where ruins are only the good part of Grecian monuments. They say if you stand in front of the columns on an especially breezy day, the dead will tell you stories and their words will teach us the true meaning of life. Or maybe I'm romanticizing history. 
Okay, I am.

When I get married, I want peonies and candid snapshots and a first dance that's not awkward where the rest of the world just blurs away if only for a moment. I also want to wake up in Paris and go down to the cafe and sit in my regular spot and on a whim decide to hop a train to Bunol, in time for the festival. C'mon let me dream. What's wrong with a little romance?

I dare you to not love them   :)

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Pledging allegiances

They'll talk about you nonetheless, you can do what you want and you can do what they want.. they'll still talk. You stand in a vacuum. You hear the lyrics in Dylan's songs, you're charged.. You want to change the world, so you google preferences that adjust to your personality. You take up a flag and fight a two-hour cause and come home to watch a rerun of Dharma & Greg. Yes, I'm a nineties cliche.
You say you're a European soul and you feel the need to be on your own with a one-way ticket to some Parisian hide-out and fight the good fight, eat bacterial cheese, drink wine that's not red and jump off an open cliff into a sea bluer that the Spaniard's eyes, dance in a fountain for the amusement of people who do not know you and go into a sex-shop because you are now finally, of age. And let me assure you on most days I will join you. But not today.
I see a fire burning on my way home, a fire in the hearts of youth everywhere. But I tell you the fire will burn out, a man will die and your dreams will be crushed. Pope teaches of an 'eternal' hope. But you know what they really say about hope. It withers and dies before its time and you carry your dreams in a gunnysack that your gran' gave you when you were eight.
With oft fleeting optimism I say to you; fight for what you believe in and stay, like a loyal dog. Do not let your head wander, do not fancy a pair of jeans. Stay and argue, question and trust. Pledge your allegiance.
Give us hope. Give me hope. 

Sunday, August 14, 2011

i tread

i tread life's path complacently
i tread through its unpleasant phases
i make my travels worth the while
i tread towards a hopeful happy place
i know what it takes to please me
i tread on through the awkwardness...
i dream of Chile.

Unanswered queries fog the mind
i tread life's path warily.
i can never seem to let loose
i drink champagne and regret it
i tread past concert halls
i say i want to live the day dream
i pull away instead
i dream of another me


am back.. bt i can never be certain for how long..

Friday, March 25, 2011

Lay me down

Lay me down now
and put me to bed
in layered soil
outside your window
let me awake
and see you in spring
winter is too harsh to take
put me in the ground
and cover my eyes
sing to me
a lullaby

say to me words untrue
and put me to bed
let me awake
brand new
with eyes that not know what it see
in the summer sun
and winters dawn
pray I awake in spring
when all things live anew
and memories die


Saying nothing new is sometimes perspective
or perhaps truth. Whose to say which is what?

xoxo, Privy lil me..


Simple words.
I’ve had enough
Ur less than accommodating
Ur not even listening anymore
You are deaf with the sounds of previous conversations
What have I not given you?
What have I not done?
When will you actually understand?
Actually see my tears are real
My fears are real
And my hurt is true
Please see me for me
See me as it comes
Plain and never indifferent

Let me trust you
Let me in.


Some days the hurt is too much to bear 
and the load to heavy to be carried around
This is my dumping grounds...
xoxo, Privy Lil' Lotus